


Quilting

by lily_zen



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, POV Alternating, POV First Person, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-21
Updated: 2012-03-21
Packaged: 2017-11-02 07:47:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/366632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lily_zen/pseuds/lily_zen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Die and Kaoru have a thing, a no-emotions-involved kind of a thing. Kaoru screws that up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quilting

Quilting

 

Genre: angst, romance

Pairing: Kaoru x Die

Archive: Ask

Rating: somewhere between R and NC-17

 By: Lily Zen

Disclaimer: Not mine.

 

*

 

 

My doorbell rings. I answer, already knowing who it is. My guests just left, but of course, he’s back for more.

 

Sometimes I don’t understand him at all. What is it that he wants from this, from me? I mean, I know exactly what I’m getting out of it. Most of the time it’s just for convenience’s sake. That doesn’t mean I’m bound to him by any stretch of the imagination.

 

I open the door. He’s standing there, hair slightly damp from the drizzle outside, face slightly flushed from the alcohol we drank earlier. He looks at me, his gaze hot and heavy and I can already feel it happening.

 

My body responds without thought, anxious and eager. All part of the pattern. All familiar.

 

I invite him in, playing the gracious host not for my benefit or for his, but for my neighbors, who are nosy as all fuck. He steps in the apartment, and I close the door behind him. He’s on me in a minute, his mouth on mine, forcing his tongue into my mouth. It’s a welcome invasion, I assure you.

 

He drops his coat on the floor and toes his shoes off, hardly breaking away for a breath. He’s multi-talented like that. We move together, hands rushed and bodies pulsing with need. Sadly, we don’t even make it to the bedroom. Sometimes we do, othertimes…meh, any flat surface will do.

 

My back hits the couch first, and he straddles my hips, rubbing his clothed erection against mine. He’s panting with his eyes closed, lost to the sensation. I’ve always thought he’s hot when we’re fucking. (Crude language, but true; I’m afraid the term ‘making love’ is too romantic, and ‘sex’ too vanilla.)

 

I let him strip me, just as ready as he is. It seems he’s taking charge tonight. That’s alright with me; I’ve been playing the good host all night, it’s time I got the chance to have someone serve me. He barely manages to unzip himself, and even then, only shoves his pants down to his thighs. From his back pocket, he pulls the lube he’s taken to carrying, and slicks himself. I don’t need a lot of prepping, never have; what can I say? I’m a laid back kind of guy. He shoves his way inside me, not gently, but not deliberately hurtful either.

 

It feels so good like that, I can only scream in ecstasy. God, he knows just how I want it, when I want it. Nice to have a…what are we? Lovers? Boyfriends? Fuckpals? Friends with benefits? I think the last two most aptly cover it. Friendship first, fucking second. Anyway, as I was saying, it’s nice to have a friend who knows your ever-changing tastes so well.

 

He takes my cock in his hand, hard and dripping, pumping it in time with the speed of his thrusts. Amazing. Arching my back, I cum first. I can hear him whispering next to my ear, “Yes, god, yes. So beautiful.”

 

Not part of the pattern.

 

I’m far gone by this point, but I remember to clench my body around him when he cums as well; he likes that, I’ve learned. Throwing his head back, he shouts, “Die!” My name.

 

Not part of the pattern.

 

Afterwards, he collapses on me, completely zoned out. Still coming down from the orgasm. He whispers near my ear, “Love you…”

 

Definitely not part of the pattern.

 

The only thing I can do is gape at him in shock before I blurt out, “What?!” His eyes fly wide open, and I see the knowledge in his eyes that he knows he’s crossed some invisible line.

 

*

 

I guess I never thought to take his feelings into account before. I assumed they were the same. I figured we were both thinking the same thing; the arrangement was a convenient one, a good way to blow off steam and not knock-up strange women, or have the front-page headlines declaring ‘DIR EN GREY GUITARIST FUCKS MEN’.

 

That kind of publicity would have been…undesirable. So when it started—how did it start?—I was kind of relieved. Disaster averted. Screw your best friend. That takes care of everything.

 

Really, I never thought it could be anything more.

 

The next day at practice is awkward. He won’t look me in the eye or speak directly to me. Not like him at all. He’s so assertive sometimes it’s scary. Shinya’s looking at us oddly again, and I know he knows something’s up. Still, he doesn’t approach either of us about it and for that I’m both thankful and relieved.

 

No one else notices a damn thing, Kyo and Toshiya both floating in their own little bubbles.

 

Practice ends, and I leave quickly. It’s out in the parking lot, unlocking my car that I hear a voice behind me. It’s Shinya. Shit.

 

He asks to talk somewhere. Together we agree on a shitty little diner where no one is likely to recognize us. I drive him there in my car, agreeing to drop him back off at the studio later to pick up his car. The drive is silent and oddly tense, but a welcome change from the unbearable air of the practice room.

 

We enter the restaurant and he sits across from me then in a small, isolated booth near the back of the diner. “I knew,” he says. That’s Shinya, always to the point. “I knew that Kaoru was in love with you. I didn’t say anything though, because I figured it wasn’t my place.”

 

“A little warning would have been nice, Shin-chan.” It’s hard not to be mad, but I manage it. Besides, it’s not really him I’d be mad at; it’s myself, for not seeing it sooner. He nods, agreeing with me possibly, but stays silent. The waitress arrives and we give her our order. She departs again quickly.

 

“I know,” he says, “Maybe I should have said something.”

 

He’s silent for a moment then, “Kaoru told me what happened last night. He said you seemed mad at him; it was the exact thing he was afraid of. He said it was an accident in the first place; he didn’t ever want to tell you. He came to my apartment at one in the morning and he cried, Die. You made him cry, you ass.”

 

Shinya’s words gradually got angrier and angrier, and I could do nothing except sit there. I know that I hurt Kaoru. I just didn’t know how to handle this all. I mean, I’d had fans who adored me and sent letters to me proclaiming that they wanted to have my children. I’d never had a best friend who suddenly told me he loved me. That kind of adoration, that depth of feeling I had no clue how to handle.

 

“What do you want me to do, Shinya?” I ask finally. My voice sounds alien to my own ears even; defeated, desperate, anguished. Still, Shinya looks at me steadily, then says, “Do you love him? Can you possibly reciprocate the feelings he has for you? God, Die, I know your track record, and I’m so afraid that you’re going to hurt him beyond repair. I don’t know how to piece a person back together, Die, but I’m going to have to soon.”

 

He becomes so upset that he can’t even speak anymore. Instead he merely presses a hand over his mouth, pushing back tears. Like Kaoru last night, minus the femme hand gesture. Then apparently unable to stand my presence any longer, he stands, walking out of the diner, sticking me with the bill.

 

I have no clue how he plans on getting back to the studio, but I know that he will. Maybe he’ll walk, maybe he’ll take the bus. Tossing enough yen to pay the bill, I leave also. To go home, and think on this.

 

*

 

It’s late, and I’m standing outside of his apartment building. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I just went out for a walk, that’s all, but apparently you’re subconscious mind is stronger than most people give it credit for, because here I am, on the doorstep of my problems.

 

I’ve thought, and thought, and thought, and in the end, I haven’t come up with an answer. There are several basic facts which keep running through my head. One, the look in Kaoru’s eyes could not possibly be faked. Two, Kaoru is my best friend and I love him dearly, and I would do anything, anything at all, to keep him from harm. Three, I’m hurting him anyway. Four, Shinya was right, and I’m an emotionally stunted bastard. Five, I don’t think you can piece a person back together.

 

With these thoughts running through my head, I go inside and ring Kaoru’s doorbell. He takes a long time to answer, longer than normal. Eventually though, he pokes his head outside. His eyes widen as he sees me. “Die,” he whispers, voice hoarse as though he’s been screaming a lot or crying or both. His eyes are rimmed with red, I note.

 

“Hey, Kao,” I greet, trying for casual, “Can I come in?” He stares at me for a moment, blinking uncertainly. Finally he steps back, swinging the door open. I step inside, taking off my shoes and jacket. Kaoru hangs up my jacket like a good host; he’s always so polite, even in the worst of situations. One of the things I admire about him is his ability to remain levelheaded.

 

Then we step into the living room and he offers me a seat, and the staring contest begins. Neither of us seems to know what to say. Kaoru sighs. “Die, if you have something to say, say it. I know I screwed things up really bad last night, and I’m sorry. Please, please forgive me.

 

“Shinya told me he talked to you, and I want to apologize for that too. I just want you to know he was only doing what he thought was best. I- Die, please don’t hate me. Don’t avoid me now. I don’t think I could take it.” He pours out his worries, his fears to me like he was offering his very heart to me on a platter, begging me not to just throw it away. Then to my complete and utter chagrin, he begins to cry, sobs wracking his frame.

 

Oh god, now I’m the one who wants to throw myself at his feet and beg for forgiveness. How could I have done this? To my best friend, even! Without even consciously thinking it, I rise from my seat and cross to his. I wrap my arms around him, perching on the arm of the chair, and he turns to bury his face in my shirt. He’s embarrassed, I can tell, to appear so weak and emotional in front of me. He shouldn’t be though. It’s not his fault he feels this way; he didn’t ask to fall in love with such an assclown like me.

 

“Sh,” I start crooning without thought, rocking him slowly back and forth. That’s what my mother always did when I was upset. It helped me, maybe it’ll help Kaoru. “Kaoru, I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t understand any of this. It’s moving too fast for me to grasp; before I get used to one piece of information, the next comes along. I mean, I have no idea how I feel…about anything! Right now, I’m just so worried about you and how you feel. I don’t want you to hurt, Kaoru, at all. The only thing I know for certain is that if things keep going like they are, you’re going to shatter into a million pieces just like Shinya said you were, and if you do that, I’ll break too. Then we’ll both be fucked over.”

 

Kaoru laughs bitterly, harshly. “You can’t make yourself love me, Die. Not even to spare my feelings.” He looks at me, frowning, his eyes so swollen with anguish that it’s hard to see anything but, and his face is stained with tears. Even then, he looks so beautiful to me. Illumination comes then, falling on a hidden treasure that I’d buried so far out of my own reach that I didn’t even know it was there.

 

Perhaps, perhaps I love him too. Perhaps this is what I’ve been searching for. I’d always imagined getting married and settling down, maybe having some kids. Eventually. I suppose that could still happen. Yet I never found anyone that I could connect with that way. No one I dated seemed to understand my lifestyle and my choices.

 

Except for maybe him. We met and it was instant chemistry. He loved music, thought it was life, and god, did I agree. I have dozens of moments stored away in my memory where we’re talking about life and how we want it to be. More than that though, he loves video games, and understands my desire to remain as childish as possible for as long as possible; being too serious sucks the fun out of life. Still, Kaoru will sit with me for hours and let me lament on reality, my problems and other’s, and I’ve done the same for him.

 

I’ve seen him smile, I’ve seen him laugh, and every time I always forget to breathe for those few seconds. The look he gets in his eyes is just for me, and I’m pretty sure that I have one just for him too. Then there’s a smile that communicates a thousand things in one little second; I know we’ve got one of those, Kyo has even said so. ‘You two are like a giddy high school couple.’ The voice echoes in my mind, and I smile briefly against the top of Kaoru’s head.

 

Maybe I can make this work. I can try. “I’ve never been in love before,” I say and startle, not expecting to hear it. Kaoru does too, and he looks at me with wide eyes. “It’s always been some sort of elusive goal of mine though. You know that. Maybe, in all my searching, I missed what was most important to me, what was right under my nose. I love you, Kaoru, and I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t know how to do this. You’ll have to teach me.”

 

“Love me?” he whispers, shocked, then suspicious, “You’re not just saying this because you feel bad for me, are you? If you are, Daisuke Ando, I will cut your nuts off with a butter knife.”

 

“I never really thought about my feelings for you before,” I admit, “They were just there, and I was fine with that. I was so busy looking for love from the wrong sources that I completely skipped over it. Then yesterday you said you loved me, and I was so stunned all I could do was say tactless things and hurt you inadvertently. I spent all night trying to figure out what to do, but all I could come up with was that I’m a big dick, you’re my best friend, and Shinya’s right. Then all of the sudden it hit me; I thought to myself, I love Kaoru so much that he’s beautiful even when he’s crying. It was so simple a thought; I’ve thought things like that hundreds of times, I just never really _thought_ about it. Do you know what I mean?”

 

Kaoru smiles at me through the tears, and says, “No. I have no idea what you’re talking about; you’re babbling like an idiot. But I love you anyway.” His admission was so simple; it rolled off his tongue so easily, like he’d said it a million times before to me. Had he, and I’d just never noticed?

 

We smile at each other then, brilliant and giddy, his still with a touch of sadness, wonder, and disbelief. I’ll make him believe, I promise myself. We kiss then, and it’s chaste and innocent, unlike anything we’ve ever shared before. “Stay the night,” he requests, “I won’t believe it until I wake up next to you and you say it in the daylight. I can’t. My mind just can’t wrap itself around the concept that maybe all this wanting wasn’t just for nothing.”

 

I nod and he leads me to his room, to his comfortable bed. “I love you,” I say as we slide under the covers. It flows out of me with such comfort and ease, and I wonder if maybe I haven’t said this before as well. Kaoru curls up next to me, and I can tell he’s crying again, but this time they’re happy tears. “I love you too,” he tells me in a choked voice. “Tell me again in the morning?” he asks suddenly as we’re drifting off.

 

“Every morning, and every afternoon; at least three times a day,” I promise easily. He clutches me tighter in his sleep then, and I wonder why it took me so long. I really must be as dense as people think me. Still as I lay here, I know that this is where I belong; this is where my happiness lies. Maybe through time, together we can heal all the damage we’ve done to each other. I love him, quite simply put, and though it’s not part of the pattern, I think it’s high time we made a new one.

 

-FIN-

 

 


End file.
